The One-Word Power Play Ruining Your Professional Relationships
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Think you're a savvy communicator? You may be unknowingly setting off emotional tripwires with just one three-letter word: W-H-Y.
The word 'why' seems innocent enough, right? But its insidious nature lurks in our subconscious, often flashing us back to scolding parents or authoritarian figures from our past.
Remember when you were hauled into the principal's office, interrogated with a stern, "WHY did you do that?" Or asked by a parent, “WHY did you get a D?” (or in some cases, "WHY only an A minus??") It was usually accompanied by knee-jerk feelings of defensiveness, fear, and uncertainty, like you were under a spotlight.
This innate reaction didn’t disappear after graduation; it simply donned professional attire and slipped quietly into your office life.
Research in the fields of psychological and behavioural science indicates that the way a question is framed can dramatically alter the respondent's answer. Simple tweaks in the words we use can fundamentally alter the course of the dialogue, making it more collaborative rather than confrontational.
So, whether you’re a Fortune 500 CEO, an established entrepreneur or someone just starting out in your career, flipping from WHY to the less confrontational WHAT can help you pave the way for dialogues that are more constructive, insightful, and collaborative.
6 Practical Shifts: How to Replace 'WHY?' with 'WHAT?' in Key Scenarios
1. Team Decision-Making
- Why: “Why did you vote for this strategy?”
- What: “What factors influenced your vote for this strategy?”
- Impact: The latter invites an explanatory response, turning the spotlight away from justifying one’s choice to sharing the elements that informed it.
2. Project Delays
- Why: “Why is the project behind schedule?”
- What: “What challenges have led to the project falling behind schedule?”
- Impact: The new phrasing turns a potential accusation into a fact-finding mission, making team members more open to discussing difficulties they’ve encountered.
3. Performance Reviews
- Why: “Why haven’t you met your sales targets?”
- What: “What obstacles have you encountered in trying to meet your sales targets?”
- Impact: Instead of pushing the team member into a defensive corner, the new question opens the door for a problem-solving discussion. It also gives permission for the team member to share challenges and setbacks openly, building trust and paving the way for collaborative solutions.
4. Customer / Client Relations
- Why: “Why are you unhappy with our services?”
- What: “What areas of our service can be improved to meet your expectations?”
- Impact: You transform a potentially confrontational interaction into an opportunity for constructive feedback. Rather than focusing on what's 'wrong', you empower the customer/client to feel that they can contribute to the solution.
5. Budget OverrunsWhy: “Why did you exceed the budget?”
- What: “What specific costs led to exceeding the budget?”
- Impact: This promotes a detailed analysis rather than a hunt for a guilty party. It avoids blame, encourages immediate problem-solving and also fosters a culture of accountability and continuous improvement.
6. Conflict ResolutionWhy: “Why did you isagree with Sarah in the meeting?”
- What: “What were your reasons for disagreeing with the idea Sarah shared during the meeting?”
- Impact: The latter prompts a conversation about the disagreement’s substance (“...the idea Sarah shared...”) rather than implicitly making it about a person (Sarah).
Not Just Words: Your Body Talks TooIt's worthwhile to remember that conversations don't end with words; they're a symphony of silent cues. The tilt of your head, a sigh, the way your eyes narrow - these subtle gestures often shout louder than words. Even a well-phrased 'what' can ooze frustration if not matched with genuine curiosity in your tone. Aim for neutrality, stay inquisitive, and know this: Each chat, each interaction, continually shapes your relationship with that individual, and forms your communication legacy.The point is this: The words we use don't just carry meaning; they carry emotional weight, shaping not only the conversation but also the relationships we build—or inadvertently break—along the way.
To quote the great Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”With these nuanced shifts in your questioning, you create an environment where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued.So, the next time ‘WHY’ lurks at the tip of your tongue, pause, and choose words that build bridges, not barriers.Have you ever felt defensive when you’ve been asked a question starting with the word “WHY?” Let me know in the comments!▶️ Want to delve deeper into the art of question-crafting and become a master of dialogue? Click here to download my free guide, "7 Must-Know Tweaks to Boost Your Communication Skills." It's the ultimately playbook for professionals who want their words to be as impactful as their actions– it's totally free.
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